What's a Girl To Do

So, here I sit, going about my daily routine, waiting for God to hit me with his best shot – at doing something for the Kingdom.  It hasn’t come to me yet, that big thing to do.  Instead, I’m limping along day by day, doing ordinary things that don’t seem to have much to do with the work of the Kingdom.  Doesn’t seem to have much effect either – at least there are no flashing neon lights to tell me so. Complain, complain, complain!  What a broken record I’ve become!  I keep playing the same old song, over and over and over again.  You’d think that once I kept getting the same result, I’d try something different.

Waiting isn’t my best thing, that’s clear.  I’m known for getting things done and getting them done quickly.  Then God shows up and says, “Wait.”  God has but one speed – His speed.  He didn’t ask me to be quick about it, and he didn’t ask me to be slow about it.  He asked me to wait on him.  Brother, am I ever having trouble doing that!  In a world of fast food, fast cars, fast Internet service, and instantaneous gratification, I’m being asked to wait.  But I want it NOW, Lord!  Oh, no – I’ve turned to whining again.

If I’d stop and think about it I’d know that God is still waiting on us, waiting for that one more person to turn to him, waiting for that one more Christian to go out and tell someone about Jesus, waiting for me to get quiet enough that I can hear what he’s saying and listen with my heart, not my mind.  In Isaiah 40:31 (KJV) it says:

They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. 

Teach me, Lord, how to wait, because it is absolutely essential if I hope to succeed in doing anything for the Kingdom.  Waiting on the Lord gives you time to consider wisely what to do and how to do it.  I can’t count how many times I’ve blundered in and made a mess out of everything.  If I wait on the Lord, I’ll have everything I need to do the job properly and rightly, not to mention that I’ll be stronger and walk more closely with the Lord.  Waiting brings its own rewards.

        Thankfully, God placed me in a position at work where I have to wait.  Wait on this person to do that, wait on another to finish this, and wait on the client to become available so we can finish everything I needed from someone else.  I worked an evening shift for seven years before I was able to move to a position where I could work day shift again.  But, in those seven years, I was able to work with different people in different ways.  I learned a great deal about seeing the big picture and using discernment before reactive responses. 

Truth is, maybe I’m not destined to do something BIG. Maybe all my contributions will be small but necessary ones.  Maybe that is my destiny – to be useful in small ways.  Psalm 71:14-15 says:

As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more.  My mouth will tell of Your righteousness, of Your salvation all day long, though I know not it s measure.

There are some things I won’t know until I reach the Throne of Christ, when he looks at my life, taking stock of what I’ve done (or not done).  Perhaps nothing big is required except to follow Christ with all my heart and to tell of his mercy, love, and grace all day, every day.

Every morning, when I arise for the day, the first thing I do is thank God for another day to serve him.  Only by God’s grace am I still in this world and only by God’s grace will I remain.  Such a small thing to do but one with great rewards.  I find that if I begin by thanking God, the day goes much better, and at the end of the day, no matter what I’ve accomplished, or how much I accomplished, it was a good day.  Every day God gives me is a gift; one he didn’t have to give me but did anyway.  He delights in small blessings like lifting a friend’s spirits, giving someone else a bit of praise, or listening to a new mother talk about her child as if no other child has ever done the same things. 

Every night, when I finally reach my nice, soft bed, the last thing I do is thank God for another day to serve him.  I ask him to stay with me throughout the dark night because I know, no matter what happens, when I awake, I’ll be glad to see him again.  I feel safer knowing God’s right there with me as I sleep.  The best sleep medicine in the world is talking to the Father as you fall asleep.  There’s no rest like it.

In between I talk to God at odd moments.  I’ll hear a song that blesses my heart and think, oh, what a wonderful song God gave me.  He knows just when I need to hear special words and they’re usually set to music.  Because God IS music, his Word is music.  Maybe that’s why I find such comfort in reading the Psalms, Proverbs, and parts of other books, like Isaiah and Micah.  God may tell you about people who have sinned and bad things that have happened, but he always comes back to the hope that is in him.  Because he IS the Word and his Word, like his Music, is always beautiful.

Odd moments are something I’ve come to relish, simply because you never know when they will show up.  Surprise!  God’s here!  It’s been an amazement to me all the words of Scripture he’s brought to mind daily on a very strange schedule.  Just when I least expect it and just when I needed it most.  God’s timing is perfect.  And there you have it, my problem in a nutshell – God’s timing is perfect and mine isn’t.

So what’s a girl to do?  Wait on God.  Then wait some more.  And if I still don’t have an answer, wait a little bit longer.  Wait until the answer comes because it will come, just not in my time frame.  Maybe if I’d waited on God when I first began my walk I wouldn’t be having so much trouble figuring out what to do now.  If I’d only listened to Father …

And so the words of Psalm 27:14 ring ever so true:

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. 

Turning To

I have to wonder how those without God survive.  It’s got to be a hard-scrabble life, even when it looks like you’re successful and on top of the world.  For me, the truth is that what goes up usually ends up coming down.  What will you do when being on the top isn’t enough, or when your top-of-the-world life crashes and you’re left destitute and alone?  These days foreclosures abound, people in need are everywhere, jobs are scarce, and even getting food for your family is a struggle.

It seems that some folks never notice God’s around. Maybe they’re too busy getting to the top.  Maybe they’ve decided he never existed anyway.  Hard to believe in this age of technology people have not heard of him; the Internet waves are everywhere.  Yet, there are those who are hungry for the presence of God but don’t seem to know how to find it. So many are hungry but don’t want to pay the price.  So many think to pay the price means they’ll get no relief.  Where did people get that idea?  Probably from those of us who claim to be Christians but aren’t exactly living according to the calling.

Once I thought I could both hide my Christianity and display it at the same time.  I thought I could be a good person and everyone would know I was a Christian, but I could pretend it didn’t matter if I displayed a temperament God would certainly never have approved of.  It’s like going to church on Sunday and thinking that ought to cover you for all the sinful things you do over the next week.  Trouble is, it doesn’t work.  People always know whether what you have from God is real – or not.

Is your love for God real?  The question haunted me until I spent some time with God praying about it.  You have to be careful answering that question because God knows the truth, even if you won’t admit it.  I didn’t want to say my love for God was real if I didn’t really mean it.  Yes, my love for God is real, though sometimes, in my humanness, I don’t much act like it.  Under stress I sometimes break down and go the wrong way.  I hope I have enough strength of character to admit I am wrong, go back, and right the situation before it’s too late.

Too late.  Those words ought to scare us half to death.  Why do we wait to come to the Lord?  Some people I know think they’re immortal, invincible, and indestructible.  They truly believe they have the rest of their lives to get things done – which means they’ll be 102 before they get around to getting things done, maybe.  There’s still time.

Even when faced with the untimely death of someone their age, they believe they will escape unharmed.   After all, it wasn’t them, it was someone else.  They are still protected by their immortality and belief that it simply isn’t going to happen to them. When that something does happen, they are shocked.  How could this be?

God says our lives are like a vapor, here one second, gone the next.  I’ve seen proof of that recently.  While I was going through radiation, chemo therapy, and surgery several people I knew through work or family died.  My general medical practitioner died in her sleep one weekend; she didn’t have cancer.  Two co-workers died unexpectedly; neither had cancer.  So why was I still around?  I had cancer, wasn’t I supposed to be dead or dying?  Why were they taken and I left?  Only God knows the times of our lives, and he’s the only one who can tell us the whys of it all. God must have something left for me to do.  In Psalm 91:14-16 he says:

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges My name.  He will call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.  With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation.”

I’d like my vapor, such as it is, to mean something to God’s Kingdom.  God says he will show me his salvation.  I want to see it.  Sometimes I have trouble patiently waiting for him to show me what he needs me to do.  That’s when I rush ahead and end up doing exactly the wrong thing. Too many times I think I’m slow picking up on what he wants me to do.   I don’t realize I was supposed to have done something until I hear him weeping.

Now, that’s a shameful thing, to realize you’ve grieved the Father.  And all because I failed to listen closely or went haring off chasing rabbits when I should have been looking for the King.  How much time have I wasted doing the wrong things or doing nothing at all?  I’m not sure I want to know. I probably rank right up there with the boy who cried wolf one too many times.

How long do I have before it’s forever too late?  I don’t know.  I do know that I can no longer pretend I have a lifetime to do something for God’s Kingdom.  I may not have the next second, or I may have 30 more years.  Only God knows.  The time to be doing things for the Kingdom is now.  There is no later.  There never was.

Life and Death

When the doctors said “tumor” I was scared to death.  My life was over.  I’d be pushing up daisies soon.  Cancer is a negative no positive thing can overcome. May as well give up, I’m doomed.  An old poem by Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) ran through my mind constantly.

Razors pain you; rivers are damp;

Acid stains you; and drugs cause cramps.

Guns aren’t lawful; nooses give;

Gas smells awful; you might as well live.

But I didn’t want to live, not with cancer.  Everyone with cancer dies, right?  Of course they do!  So let’s take ourselves down to the dungeon, get depressed, and wait to die. Time to write the will, plan for the graveside service, and decide who should get what earthly treasures I still possessed.  Oh, does the enemy love things like cancer - because through this kind of discouragement he can pry open your life and leave you beaten and bleeding.

Ever notice that God can be very loud?  I thought all of those things. Within seconds what I heard was, “NOT! WHO’S BIGGER, ME OR CANCER?  WHO HAS THE TIMES OF YOUR LIFE IN HIS HANDS – CANCER OR ME?  AND JUST WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE CAN’T OVERCOME THE NEGATIVITY OF CANCER?”  Uh-oh, now I’m really in trouble.  Father God is not impressed with my display of unbelief.

From that point forward God taught me how to be positive about cancer.  I’m almost sure the chemo therapy folks were astounded, amazed, and incredulous that I could see cancer as a positive thing.  They kept asking about side effects, and when I said there were none, they looked at me in disbelief.  I kept telling them to talk to God about it but the look in their eyes said they didn’t think God had anything to do with it.  They were, of course, very wrong.

I’ve been told that faith isn’t faith until it’s all you have to hang on to.  True enough.  It’s easy to believe when things are going well and your life is on track to where you think it’s supposed to go.  It’s when you’re down in the valleys that it becomes a little tougher.  But I stood my ground and hung on for dear life – literally.  And, of course, God came to the rescue again.

First verse I read was Proverbs 18:10:  The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.  Next came I Peter 5:7:  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”  Of course, there was Hebrews 11:1:  Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

God kept throwing down his cards of Scripture to give me hope and assurance that he knew what was going on and he had it well in hand.  Here they are, in the order he gave them to me:

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified: do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. – Joshua 1:9

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. – Psalm 23:4

By faith Abraham, even though he was past age – and Sarah herself was barren – was enabled to become a father because he considered Him faithful who had made the promise. – Hebrews 11:11

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. – Psalm 91:11-12

... Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.  In that day you will no longer ask me anything.  I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.  Until now you have not asked for anything in my name.  Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. – John 16:22-24

The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. – Isaiah 58:11

Blessed is the man who endures under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to them that love him. – James 1:12

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. – Matthew 21:22

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. – Hebrews 11:6

Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ. – 2 Timothy 2:3

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.  – Psalm 27:14

Finally, there were the words of Paul when he wrote in Romans 8:38-39, “For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Take that cancer!  Negativity destroyed by the Sword – the Word of God!

Any time I felt discouraged and overwhelmed, God would bring me another verse of Scripture to lighten my load.  He would remind me of his love for me and his protection over me.  Knowing that he had my back made it easy to laugh at cancer.  I’m still laughing – and I’m still standing.

Most of the people who work with me will tell you they weren’t aware I had a tumor.  Most simply wondered what happened when I was out six weeks for surgery and recovery.  That was the plan.  I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me or constantly watch me, waiting for me to keel over.  I told a very small group of people whose prayers I coveted.  That’s the way God wanted it; his advice was to tell the story after I came back from surgery because he wanted to exhibit his power and glory for those who don’t believe to see.

Some of those unbelievers still don’t believe but that’s okay.  I’ll just keep sharing God’s story with whoever will listen.  Maybe it will help someone else face cancer.  Maybe it will lighten someone else’s load.  Maybe, just maybe, someone will meet God right where they are because they saw what God did (and continues to do) for me.  He’s an awesome God and he’s been waiting to meet them for a long time.

My guess is some doctors either don’t see or don’t want to see God’s hand over my life.  The surgeon said he successfully removed all the tumor, and the pathology report didn’t find cancer anywhere else.  God said to have faith in his healing and so I refused further chemo therapy treatments.  Immediately after my return to work from that appointment, I found this Scripture:  I have seen his ways, but I will heal him. I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners of Israel. Peace, peace, to those far and near, says the Lord, and I will heal them.  (Isaiah 57:18-19)

The receptionist at the chemo therapy place said, “Well, the doctor knows best, but it’s your body.”  My response was that, no, the doctor didn’t know best, but God did.  My choice was clear to me:  I could do what man said do with no guarantee of success, written or otherwise, or I could follow God and have a 100% guarantee.  It is written in his Word, which is written on my heart.

God is my Shield, my Rock, and my Refuge. Whether or not the cancer comes back doesn’t really matter.  Either way, I’m walking in God’s pathway and it will be okay.

Viewpoint

I found the following poem by Edward Rowland Sill (1841-1887) several years ago.  It speaks to me about how I should view others.

The royal feast was done; the King

Sought some new sport to banish care,

And to his jester cried: "Sir Fool,

Kneel now, and make for us a prayer!"

The jester doffed his cap and bells,

And stood the mocking court before;

They could not see the bitter smile

Behind the painted grin he wore.

He bowed his head, and bent his knee

Upon the Monarch's silken stool;

His pleading voice arose: "O Lord,

Be merciful to me, a fool!

"No pity, Lord, could change the heart

From red with wrong to white as wool;

The rod must heal the sin: but Lord,

Be merciful to me, a fool!

“'T is not by guilt the onward sweep

Of truth and right, O Lord, we stay;

'T is by our follies that so long

We hold the earth from heaven away.

"These clumsy feet, still in the mire,

Go crushing blossoms without end;

These hard, well-meaning hands we thrust

Among the heart-strings of a friend.

"The ill-timed truth we might have kept--

Who knows how sharp it pierced and stung?

The word we had not sense to say--

Who knows how grandly it had rung!

"Our faults no tenderness should ask.

The chastening stripes must cleanse them all;

But for our blunders -- oh, in shame

Before the eyes of heaven we fall.

"Earth bears no balsam for mistakes;

Men crown the knave, and scourge the tool

That did his will; but Thou, O Lord,

Be merciful to me, a fool!"

The room was hushed; in silence rose

The King, and sought his gardens cool,

And walked apart, and murmured low,

"Be merciful to me, a fool.”

For a long, long time I thought my viewpoint was the only correct one (don’t we all at some point or another).  Having people who reported to me directly at work proved that I was very, very wrong.  Instead of asking them to join with me in creating their success, what I asked instead was that they make me important.  Instead of searching for reasons behind their behavior, I dictated to them how they should behave and berated them when they didn’t do exactly as I expected.  Instead of seeing a person, all I saw was a body to be used.  Sadly, I abused the greatest assets I had at my disposal; I believe I sometimes treated my keyboard better.

Cancer taught me a lot about how we view each other.  Most people weren’t even aware I was dealing with cancer.  Some that were aware didn’t want to touch me for fear I’d pass it on to them.  Some thought I was lying because I sure didn’t act like I had cancer; the way they saw it, I was begging for attention and nothing was really wrong with me.  How many times have I thought the same thing about others? 

Cancer doesn’t care who you are.  It comes knocking whether you’re young or old, tall or short, in spite of your race, in spite of your faith, in spite of your wealth.  Then again, God doesn’t care who you are either.  God meets you where you are.  He loves us in spite of ourselves, despite the things we’ve done.  The difference is that cancer strikes you down and offers you death, while God lifts you up and offers you life.

There is such a thing as a cancerous viewpoint.  It looks for trouble and finds it.  It searches for evil and promotes it.  Unless something is done, it grows and grows until it overtakes your life and breaks you down, turning you into something that’s nearly unrecognizable.  Your heart becomes a black hole where love finds very little purchase.

I discovered that I had a tendency to see only my small part of the situation, how it affected me, my team, my life, my job, my family.  Life is always bigger than me, though.  Sometimes it’s impossible to understand the little things without first understanding the bigger things.  At work they call it seeing the big picture.  What I was doing was taking the mural off the wall and cutting it into pieces, then trying to fit them together in all the wrong ways.

I had this idea that my piece of the puzzle was the most important one.  It wasn’t, but I was a bit blind to anything but my own sight.  I needed all those other pieces to be whole. Somehow I just couldn’t see that.  My focus was so limited that I had tunnel vision.  As my granny used to say, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Our world is like that these days - it's all about me and mine and what I want.  And that's exactly what the enemy wants - for us to be so into ourselves that we can't see anything else, even if it's right in front of us.

When I looked at others I had a limited view.  I saw what I wanted to see, and I saw what they wished to present.  I made judgments about what I saw, right or wrong.  For example, if I saw a young person wearing black with black makeup, I immediately determined that he/she was in league with the devil, a bad person, a bad influence.  I didn’t know that to be true since I didn’t bother to get to know him/her.  Instead I jumped to a grand conclusion and ended up making a fool of myself.

God, on the other hand, has a limitless view.  He sees everyone for whom and what they truly are.  And he accepts them right there.  Not me.  I expected proof.  I wanted you to show me why I should respect you, why I should believe you.  And if you weren’t just like me, it was highly doubtful I’d accept you.  It’s called prejudice and pre-judgment.  I bought into it and practiced it.  I let certain behaviors determine my thoughts and actions.  I responded to anger and hurt in kind – tit for tat.  Until God said, “My child, it was you who nailed me to that cross.” 

That quiet voice brought me up short.  I wasn’t there when Christ died.  I wasn’t part of the crowd that gathered to watch him die.  But the guilt is still mine.  I did that to him.  He took my punishment.  He gave himself up willingly for me.  He was beaten, broken, and used up just for me – and for every other person on earth, including those I looked down upon.  My narrow viewpoint made me miss the point – God wants to save everyone even though he knows that not everyone will come.

Being God, he met me right where I was and changed my viewpoint.  Now, before I pass judgment on someone’s behavior, I try to think about what caused it.  If I have to deal with anger, I let the anger expend itself before I try to work with that person.  I watch for those who are having a bad day and try to give them positive feedback.  Instead of telling them all the things that are wrong with them, I try to address the good in them first.  Instead of judgment I try to give understanding and compassion.  I don’t always make it.  I still find myself turning into a fool.  I still find myself begging forgiveness.

In the business world it’s common to see people treated as just another part of the assembly line.  What hurts is to see that happening at church.  Some churches are more about how much money they can bring in than how many people they can bring to meet God.  It goes further than that, though.  Some churches bring in a lot of people, and people come to the Lord, but the church lets them flounder there.  We seem to think if we buy the right program the new in Christ will have everything they need to become strong in Christ.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.

The truth is that none of us ever arrive at perfection.  I still need to be chastened and taught.  Recently I was in a hurry to get a handle on where God was taking me, so I e-mailed my friend (and preacher’s wife) for help.  There goes that very small window on the world again!  It seemed to take forever for her to send a response and when she did she reminded me my viewpoint was askew.  She told me to stop being in such a hurry and wait on God to reveal his purpose and plan.  Thank God for wonderful sister chicks in the Lord who love you enough to tell you the truth!