Life and Death

When the doctors said “tumor” I was scared to death.  My life was over.  I’d be pushing up daisies soon.  Cancer is a negative no positive thing can overcome. May as well give up, I’m doomed.  An old poem by Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) ran through my mind constantly.

Razors pain you; rivers are damp;

Acid stains you; and drugs cause cramps.

Guns aren’t lawful; nooses give;

Gas smells awful; you might as well live.

But I didn’t want to live, not with cancer.  Everyone with cancer dies, right?  Of course they do!  So let’s take ourselves down to the dungeon, get depressed, and wait to die. Time to write the will, plan for the graveside service, and decide who should get what earthly treasures I still possessed.  Oh, does the enemy love things like cancer - because through this kind of discouragement he can pry open your life and leave you beaten and bleeding.

Ever notice that God can be very loud?  I thought all of those things. Within seconds what I heard was, “NOT! WHO’S BIGGER, ME OR CANCER?  WHO HAS THE TIMES OF YOUR LIFE IN HIS HANDS – CANCER OR ME?  AND JUST WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE CAN’T OVERCOME THE NEGATIVITY OF CANCER?”  Uh-oh, now I’m really in trouble.  Father God is not impressed with my display of unbelief.

From that point forward God taught me how to be positive about cancer.  I’m almost sure the chemo therapy folks were astounded, amazed, and incredulous that I could see cancer as a positive thing.  They kept asking about side effects, and when I said there were none, they looked at me in disbelief.  I kept telling them to talk to God about it but the look in their eyes said they didn’t think God had anything to do with it.  They were, of course, very wrong.

I’ve been told that faith isn’t faith until it’s all you have to hang on to.  True enough.  It’s easy to believe when things are going well and your life is on track to where you think it’s supposed to go.  It’s when you’re down in the valleys that it becomes a little tougher.  But I stood my ground and hung on for dear life – literally.  And, of course, God came to the rescue again.

First verse I read was Proverbs 18:10:  The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.  Next came I Peter 5:7:  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”  Of course, there was Hebrews 11:1:  Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

God kept throwing down his cards of Scripture to give me hope and assurance that he knew what was going on and he had it well in hand.  Here they are, in the order he gave them to me:

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified: do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. – Joshua 1:9

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. – Psalm 23:4

By faith Abraham, even though he was past age – and Sarah herself was barren – was enabled to become a father because he considered Him faithful who had made the promise. – Hebrews 11:11

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. – Psalm 91:11-12

... Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.  In that day you will no longer ask me anything.  I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.  Until now you have not asked for anything in my name.  Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. – John 16:22-24

The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. – Isaiah 58:11

Blessed is the man who endures under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to them that love him. – James 1:12

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. – Matthew 21:22

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. – Hebrews 11:6

Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ. – 2 Timothy 2:3

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.  – Psalm 27:14

Finally, there were the words of Paul when he wrote in Romans 8:38-39, “For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Take that cancer!  Negativity destroyed by the Sword – the Word of God!

Any time I felt discouraged and overwhelmed, God would bring me another verse of Scripture to lighten my load.  He would remind me of his love for me and his protection over me.  Knowing that he had my back made it easy to laugh at cancer.  I’m still laughing – and I’m still standing.

Most of the people who work with me will tell you they weren’t aware I had a tumor.  Most simply wondered what happened when I was out six weeks for surgery and recovery.  That was the plan.  I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me or constantly watch me, waiting for me to keel over.  I told a very small group of people whose prayers I coveted.  That’s the way God wanted it; his advice was to tell the story after I came back from surgery because he wanted to exhibit his power and glory for those who don’t believe to see.

Some of those unbelievers still don’t believe but that’s okay.  I’ll just keep sharing God’s story with whoever will listen.  Maybe it will help someone else face cancer.  Maybe it will lighten someone else’s load.  Maybe, just maybe, someone will meet God right where they are because they saw what God did (and continues to do) for me.  He’s an awesome God and he’s been waiting to meet them for a long time.

My guess is some doctors either don’t see or don’t want to see God’s hand over my life.  The surgeon said he successfully removed all the tumor, and the pathology report didn’t find cancer anywhere else.  God said to have faith in his healing and so I refused further chemo therapy treatments.  Immediately after my return to work from that appointment, I found this Scripture:  I have seen his ways, but I will heal him. I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners of Israel. Peace, peace, to those far and near, says the Lord, and I will heal them.  (Isaiah 57:18-19)

The receptionist at the chemo therapy place said, “Well, the doctor knows best, but it’s your body.”  My response was that, no, the doctor didn’t know best, but God did.  My choice was clear to me:  I could do what man said do with no guarantee of success, written or otherwise, or I could follow God and have a 100% guarantee.  It is written in his Word, which is written on my heart.

God is my Shield, my Rock, and my Refuge. Whether or not the cancer comes back doesn’t really matter.  Either way, I’m walking in God’s pathway and it will be okay.