Brick Walls

Have you ever felt like you were running into a wall and were stuck there, unable to move, unable to think, unable to do?  I have – at work, at home, and in my spiritual journey.  I’ve looked at the gray sky and wondered where God was, why he didn’t show up when I expected him to.  I’ve sat in break rooms wondering why some people seem specially favored.  I’ve wondered why I wasn’t a knockout beauty or why I didn’t have that wonderful marriage with two kids.  I’ve sat in waiting rooms for one doctor or another and wondered why this had to happen to me, as if some other poor soul deserved cancer more than I did.

I was stuck in a rut called Me, Me, and Me. I was focused on the wrong person.  It was all about me when it should have been about God.  How selfish can a person get; pretty selfish I’ve discovered.  I’ve learned, at long last, that it was never about me.  It’s always been about the blood, about Christ, about God.  The reason I never received the blessings I thought I ever so richly deserved was because I was looking for all the wrong things in all the wrong places. 

It used to bother me that some people seemed to be untouchable and unstoppable.  All they had to do was smile to be awarded the position I thought I’d worked harder for.  No matter how many ugly things they did to others, they always prospered.  She is a born beauty; I’m as plain a Jane as they come.  He can’t even concoct a simple declarative sentence, yet he’s the one chosen to write reports and articles.

Truth is their success only lasts for a time.  Crooked ways eventually become evident.  Beauty with no depth soon disappears.  Greed manifests itself in horrible ways.  What we have done in the name of bettering ourselves becomes a pathway for destruction.  As what we could have been dies within us, we search for a way out, something to revive what we once were – before we became ruthless and uncaring.

We’ve been listening and acting on Satan’s lies.  We’ve bought into the “it’s all about me” fever.  If the world doesn’t give you what you deserve, take it I’ve heard.  The world owes you a living and a good one at that!  Satan’s delusions look bright, pretty, engaging.  We can just see ourselves in that life.  All we have to do is walk all over everyone else to get it. All we have to do is give up who we are.  Here’s the Lake of Fire, isn’t it beautiful?  Jump right in!

It seemed to take me forever to finally see through the lies I was being told.  The Apostle Paul was said to be a homely little man, yet God used him in mighty ways.  Moses could barely speak in front of crowds, yet he brought God’s people to the Promised Land.  Me, well, I may be common, I may be naïve, I may be downright dumb, and I may even be ugly – but I am made in God’s image.  Last I heard, God don’t make no junk. God uses those the rest of the world thinks are worthless.  I say, sign me up.

I’ve discovered I don’t need to be the CEO of the company; I can serve right where I am.  I don’t have to live in a mansion; my little bungalow is just fine.  I don’t have to dress in Nordstrom or Sax Fifth Avenue; Wal-Mart clothes work just as well.  I don’t have to be a member of the church praise team; I can bellow from the middle pew quite nicely.  Bye, bye brick wall.  You’ve been demolished!

Curiously enough once I stopped caring about all the bright, beautiful “me” things Satan was offering, and started paying attention to the things of God instead, all things I thought I had to have or be didn’t matter anymore.  I don’t have to be married and have 2 ½ kids to be used of God.  I don’t have to be the CEO of the company to work in God’s Kingdom.  I don’t have to be rich to be able to serve in the church. And I don’t have to be a church leader to be a member of the church body.

If cancer has taught me anything, it’s about what is or is not important.  Climbing over someone else’s back to get a promotion is definitely not important; praying for that person is.  Being the best at some obscure task is not important; taking part in God’s great work is. Being ridiculed for being overtly Christ-centered is not important; being Christ-centered is.  Doing more than anyone else to compete in some game to bring me glory and honor and praise is not important to me any longer; doing the best I can at the work I do and honoring God as I do it is far more important.

I know there are some folks watching who are shaking their heads and saying, “What a nutcase she’s become!”  OK, works for me.  If faith in an everlasting God is crazy, so be it. One day you too will discover the importance of faith; it will happen when faith is all you have to hang on to. If finding joy in cancer is evidence of insanity, go ahead and sign the papers to admit me to the asylum.  I know from painful experience that joy will take you farther than despair, that being positive is far more productive than negative ramblings, and that no matter what you do to me, joy comes in the morning.  You can’t scare me – I’m a born-again child of the one and only living King.  My Dad can beat your Dad any time, anywhere, at any game.

It’s funny how content you can be when you stop struggling with the expectations of the world and start living, truly living, for God.  Paul was stoned, beaten, ship wrecked, driven out of cities, sick, scorned, mocked – and yet he was content.  When Paul said he must go to Rome, he knew what lay ahead, yet he was content to go.  He knew what I now know – it doesn’t matter where you go as long as God goes with you.

So if I’m at the back of the pack, at the bottom of the barrel, at the end of the line, it’s okay.  As long as I’m where God needs me to be, I will be content.  He may have to poke me sometimes to get me moving (I can be incredibly obtuse) but I’d rather be doing God’s work than have all the riches in the world.  I kind of think all those riches don’t make you happy anyway.  They’re just sad replacements for what your soul really needs – Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Joy isn’t the result of things you can buy or money you can make.  It doesn’t appear just because you’re married and have 2 ½ kids.  Joy can’t be boxed up and peddled to the highest bidder. A bigger house won’t make it appear, nor will the newest car or the highest-paying job.  Joy is not the result of anything man can do. It is the result of being in tune with the Master and going about the work he gives you. Joy, God-given joy, is irrepressible and priceless.  It’s what makes people wonder how you can laugh at cancer and dance through the storms in your life.  When the source of your song is the Savior, joy is easy to find.