When I first discovered I had a tumor, I was a little leery of telling anyone. I didn’t want cancer to be the only topic of conversation. I didn’t want to make it the talk of the floor where I work. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want to see that look in their eyes that said, “She’ll be dead soon. She has cancer.” I could hear the whispers as I passed by. I could see people hurriedly washing their hands after touching me for fear they’d catch it too.
I feared the silence. People seem to think that saying nothing and avoiding you is the best thing to do. People are funny about things like cancer and death; they assume that since they don’t know what to say, it’s better to say nothing at all. Of course, that’s easier if they can avoid seeing you too. It is a hard thing to watch people you thought were your friends turn and walk the other way when they see you coming. Worse still is to have them say things like: “Well, dear, you should get your affairs in order. Just in case, you know, anything happens.”
Worst of all is to have people assume that because you have a disease you have somehow committed a sin beyond repair. You are condemned by God for your sin and his punishment is cancer! If only you had done this instead of that God wouldn’t have punished you! Isn’t that basically what Job’s friends thought? They never saw a loving God who knew Job’s faith. They said, “Curse God and die.” On the other hand, God was all Job saw. He praised God and his righteousness. The result – blessings beyond Job’s wildest expectations. Job never lost track of who he was and who God was. No matter what happened he knew God’s righteousness would turned to good what another intended for evil.
How sad and tragic it is that people think in terms of punishment. Sin is sin – it’s neither great nor small, it’s just sin. God hates it all, grieves over it all, forgives it all. Cancer is not a sign that I have sinned and require punishment but rather that I have been blessed by a turn in the path of my life that will take me closer to the Master, straight into the loving arms of the Father. The objective is to get me to turn to God and see him for who he really is – the author and finisher of my life. Sometimes I require a little shoving to walk the right path; God knows what it will take to turn me around.
I used to have to listen hard to hear God’s still small voice, yet I had no trouble hearing people whispering in the hallways about me. “Does she know that color looks awful on her? She didn’t earn that promotion. Look how fat she is. What a dummy, can’t even run a network.” And who did I listen to? All the voices in the hallways. All the people who called me a failure behind closed doors. All the people who said I couldn’t do that because I am a woman. All the people whose cruel taunts said I was worthless and unnecessary. Amid the rumbling of all those voices I couldn’t hear the whisper that said, “You are my child. I made you exactly the way you needed to be made. I have plans for you. My blessings are right around the corner.”
These days I talk about being blessed by cancer. I’m sure some people think I’m mad. Even some of my family members think I’ve lost my mind. Cancer kills people, so how can it possibly be a blessing? No one in their right mind would call cancer a blessing! God used it to teach me more about him and his plan for my life, though I’m still not exactly sure where that plan is leading me. It was necessary to taste the bitter before I could taste the sweet. There is much truth to the idea that you cannot minister to others without having been through the fire and come out on the other side stronger in your faith.
I’ve had people ask me how I can be happy about cancer. It’s certainly not because I have any power over cancer, nor am I in denial. I am happy because the source of my strength and joy is Christ. He is the anchor that holds even through the worst storm I could imagine. He is the unmovable, unstoppable force that stands me up and propels me forward. I may be battered and broken but that happens to be exactly what God is looking for. God uses common, broken but willing vessels to do great things for his Kingdom. I hope to be one of those willing vessels God uses to touch someone else’s life for the Kingdom.
God’s blessings aren’t always what we think they should be. I wouldn’t have thought cancer to be one but it has been. It has given me the opportunity to walk down a path I would never have gone down without it. For along with the blessing of cancer has come the blessing of being able to share someone else’s pain, of being able to see joy instead of sorrow, and being able to rest in the arms of a loving Savior. There are many things I don’t know about tomorrow but I know the God who makes every tomorrow and I know he holds my hand.
Circumstances often dictate our behavior. Tragedies will turn us into defeated, hurting people. If we let them, these events will keep us right where the enemy wants us – sucked into a hole so deep we cannot escape. He knows exactly when and where to strike. He uses everything at his disposal – places, people, events, disease, emotional distress, whatever he can get his hands on, wherever he can find a crack. My task, as I see it, is to fill those cracks with God so that the enemy cannot find purchase in my life to take me down into the depths of despair and defeat. When God is there, Satan is forced to flee.
We walk by faith through fire knowing that God is right there with us. His Son walked through fire for us all the way to Calvary. Cancer is nothing compared to what my Lord suffered. Yes, he agonized in the garden all alone, forsaken by his friends. Still he said, “Your will be done not mine.” He said it on the cross, struggling to remain upright, fighting against the pain in his body, knowing he had done nothing to deserve what he willingly took. If he can deal with that kind of agonizing bonfire, surely I should be able to walk through the flutter of a match called cancer and beyond.
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